THEM: You need to get out of your comfort zone.

ME: But it’s so comfy...

I actually had good honeydew this AM and now I'm questioning everything.

I have never successfully used “finna”

Your tweets are protected. But is your heart?

Back in Black, but kind of a light gray.

Let's put our differences aside and hate each other for being too similar.

I was just informed that “Way to go, Admiral Dumbfuck” was not considered real support and encouragement.

There are currently 34 players in the NBA named Travis.

Never be ashamed of who you're not.

I was asked to stop responding to customer inquiries with “Because life is suffering.”

I'm happy to report that every single "flirting is hard" tweet has been done, including this one.