The woman seated next to me on the plane never stopped coughing, and long story short, WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!

If you're about to fool around but are having second thoughts, just say "Let's take this magical journey together." That should end things.

I'm trying to think of one legitimately smart person who keeps insisting on how smart they are.

"Welcome to Hell, please step into this crowded elevator without your phone."

You're telling me a trap had this thirst?

Dear @Huey_Lewis_News ,

I know it's hip to be square. Are there any other shapes that qualify? Thanks in advance.

If you know the location where your ex is getting married, swinging by and pulling the fire alarm is an interesting option.

Chicken fried steak is why we're in this mess.

All I want is to create a world where my kids are worse off than I am.

“A Star Is Born” is basically the same movie as “Speed 2.” Don't bother.

May you achieve as much success in other areas of your life as you have in annoying me.

Welcome to the U.S.A., where late night comedy shows have more of a social conscience then the ruling political party.