If you ever find me, you get a 20% off coupon code you can use toward any non-sale item at Bed Bath & Beyond.

Horror movie idea:

Reality exactly as it is right now.

Would a single.
Fucking person.
Cover their motherfucking mouth.
When they cough???????????

I love when people get their hopes and dreams dashed on “Antique Road Show.”

“You see that tiny scratch? I'd value this at $2 to $3 at auction.”

Kid Rock has arrived at the debate. So I guess everyone should get a shot of penicillin tomorrow.

Let's stop calling a group of misinformed idiots a “task force.”

If this van's a-rockin', call the police.

Call the police any time you see a van.

True love is alienating both of your families.

I try not to use words I don't sesquipedalian.

“Chilling out” is for quitters

I always wanted Iron Maiden to keep adding guitarists until there were hundreds of guitarist on stage. It just felt right.

Top 5 Numbers Between 1 and 5

5. Three
4. Four
3. Two
2. One
1. Tie: Three and One-Half; Six-ish ...read more