I kissed so many Irish people today. At least I think they were Irish.

If you encounter anyone in public doing something like taking their shoes off on a plane, or talking loudly on a cell phone in an elevator-

This is it. This is your superhero origin story. Do what you must. And thank you for your service.

911: 911, what’s your emergency?

ME: I feel like no one really pays attention to me.

911: And what was the make and model of the other car?

Why of course I’ll explain my tweet to you, person who doesn’t follow me or like or retweet any of my tweets. <jerk off motion>

I hate when people trick me into liking them.

I had terrible pizza four days ago.

Forgive, but never forget.

The biggest drawback of Twitter for me is that I hate entertaining people.

I miss going places and having people in the background as extras.

I never matured past the ignore people you like phase.

If I ever have people over and there’s a noise coming from the basement, I always say “It is restless.”

I keep my finger guns in a biometric safe.

You know you’ve made it when you’re sick of your own bullshit.