<stops guy shaking vending machine>

ME: Don't be a hero.

Avoid pressure buy not caring about anything.

“I didn't even ask for this corn! You will never get it! I'm going to my room.”

- Teens of the Corn

Any time someone says, “You know what they say,” I pretend I know what they say.

At least we fixed the gun problem.

Things are uniformly horrible, but why such little coverage of the California fires???

I also let no light escape, so I get it, black holes.

I assume there will be at least one murder if I stay at a bed and breakfast and the owners are overly nice old people.

Each U.S. citizen will be required to carry a nuclear weapon with a silencer to protect their hearing.

Invention idea:

A snack bag that makes no sound.

Million dollar idea:

We split $2 million 50/50

My main talking point:

Fuck