I am making a pledge to stop taking corporate money for my tweets unless a corporation, or group of corporations, pays me.

Remember, it takes two to avoid someone.

Basically, I am a super-villain whose evil scheme is to methodically deplete the supply of napkins from food courts.

Unpopular opinion:

Most popular things suck.

It's your blue checkmark on the inside that counts.

Whenever I'm feeling down, I just remind myself that this is all part of God's randomized, haphazardly put together, poorly thought out plan

I yearn for a simpler time when meh rockers who went on to ruin legendary bands wrote songs about their inability to drive the speed limit.

There are only three people who should have statues erected in their honor:

Cher
Michael Jordan
David Lee Roth ...read more

Shouldn't Roger Stone be investigated just because he looks like that?

Manners dictate that you tell someone when you've forgotten they existed.

It's impossible for someone to hold the world record for annoying me.